New Year Letter (2024)

Hello again,

In my letter to you last year, I wrote, “There are days where I feel like I want to claw my way out to the sunshine, to the brightness, but I am reminded: it is not time.” Well, the time arrived, full force. This year felt like I took my training to the arena. 

As the clock struck midnight on 2023, I was hit with the most vicious stomach bug that had me contemplating my existence… and honestly, that same peculiar energy stayed for the remainder of the year. 

After recovering from both the flu and my first recorded COVID case, the beginning of the year was mostly filled with quiet moments of reading, cozy slippers, Youtube Fireplace videos, and short visits from some of my favorite people. One of my very favorite parts of my year, and time that I will never take for granted, was my “Cliffy Fridays.” I tend to keep my nephew out of any of my public records for his own privacy and consent, but I will say, I am truly so thankful to be his aunt and investing in a relationship with one of the coolest people I know. 

I had so many moments that were Instagram Worthy: attending the Eras tour with my preschool bestie, my first and second Pride Fest, a surprise hot air balloon ride, exploring a new city for a Bachelorette weekend, trips home to Iowa, birthday weekend camping and parties, weddings of some of the most gracious, wonderful brides, and our annual Cabin Weekend trip. 

While these events, and others, have drawn out some iconic outfits and many of my favorite photos, I also got just a little more private. I found the value in keeping bright spots for myself. Assigning meaning from my own appreciation and critical thought. It might be growing up, but it might also just be the season of life. While there were so many moments that are worthy of freezing in time and sharing out to the world, there were also aspects of life that just aren’t fair to give to others in real time. I wanted to feel into the success and celebration I felt in being able to fully participate in big, fun events after such a rough previous year of health. I wanted to hold the inside jokes for only as long as my memory keeps them. I wanted the grounding to be for the present moment and to gift myself to move into newness without review. Approaching life like this for a bit allowed me to really give weight to the comments and compliments of those who were sharing in real time with me. To feel like my foundation was solid when I started to share with a wider audience. 

We paused our podcast, Tricky Existence, for a summer break in June and haven’t picked it back up yet because it’s been one of those seasons where you are simply living it and pausing to be reflective or summarize it wouldn’t be just. The past six months have felt like lifetimes. My intuition has walked me into some big moves. Both figuratively and literally. I started a new role at work, rejuvenated by learning new things and connecting with a wider audience, but also facing the natural consequences of higher responsibility. Some of the moves came more literally. I’ve felt myself being pulled away from Oregon for awhile, but this year it got loud as Oregon lost its allure and started to feel limiting. After a couple trips home, several panic attacks, many phone calls and texts with my friends, moving my little sister out to Oregon with her two cats, I turned her back around three months later and planned my own cross country move in three weeks to return to Iowa. This was an emotional mirage to say the least. Now, I know my bravery pays off, and the bragging rights I have from pulling this off on top of completing a treacherous winter road trip with four cats is proof of that, but my intuition also led me to some moments of astonishment. On that first trip home this year, I stumbled into a whirlwind of reconnecting with my now-partner… but that whole story is for another day. What I will share here is that it has been rewarding and orienting to build a relationship with someone whose character you were waiting for. Long-distance is not for the insecure and I am so grateful that we spent the past five years doing what we needed to do to make this time around feel as “oh, there you are,” as it has. Time has built the foundation for every scary moment to be met consistently with gentle love and gratitude doesn’t begin to cover it.

There are so many moments worthy of sharing. This year was kind you build art on later. It felt full of screen worthy, pen to paper moments that become family folklore. It’s been living out longings and manifesting arriving at my doorstep. It’s been submitting to intuition and stepping forward in trust. It’s been the lights that have lit the path to the community I’ve been craving. It was finding peace finally laying my grandma to rest and sharing words I wasn’t able to write at her funeral a few years ago. It was the acupuncture and somatic therapy and diet change that healed me (goodbye forever chicken 🙁). It was how healing it was to fall in love with an old friend. It is in the in-between that I count my blessings on. The sister time. The time I’ve spent with my coworkers-turned-friends. Every time I won a claw machine game. Looking at my favorite pictures of me and knowing the smile I love so much is because of who is behind the camera. All the extra time with my best friends I got this year. The open arms I’ve been met with returning home. The yoga classes with a college friend. Sitting in my friend’s salon chair so she can cut my hair just the way I like. The long-short Midwest Drives to loved ones. It’s the feeling I get when I know it is just right and knowing what it looks like in my body when it isn’t.

And when I was facing a highly ranked Tough Time, it’s the people who showed up who give this year meaning. The sisters who know me better than most and are never short on affirmations. The little sister who packed her things up to move halfway across the country to be with me and then turned around right along with me 3 months later because, “I know you’ve got this.” The all-night, “Can you just stay on the phone?” with my boyfriend because the anxiety attacks come around the clock. The best friend who flew out for my third cross-country roadtrip and did 75% of the driving. My mom who drove hours to receive the moving boxes when they delivered outside their window. The co-workers who were simply encouraging. Friends who showed up with meals and hands to pack… and unpack… and pack again. The former manager turned roommate who opened her home and made it mine for my last couple weeks in my favorite state. The besties I’m moving away from and still only met me with, “I’m so happy for you,” and, “Of course it all makes sense.”

And I’ve said this before, but I will say it again and again, it is every single one of you who watches the way I choose to explore this life and cheer for me. You are my first voice of reason when I start to let my doubt seep in. You’re my first, “are you kidding me,” when I start to question a choice I’ve made. My first reminder to come back to myself. Thank you for watching me learn my lessons and live them out in real time.

I typically share some wishes I have for you here, but, you know what you need. And I want that for you too. 

All the best,

Jordyn

p.s. I really did almost forget to include our cats this year. They've caused me stress. They've comforted me. They've met and lived with 3 new cats both positively and negatively. They were rockstars on a cross country road trip that included sleeping in 4 new spaces. River is still my shadow. Floyd still sleeps on his back. I did get a Floyd pop socket that was the best $12 I've ever spent. They are loved well.